Shave One Hour Off Your Morning Routine

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I wish I could go back to the simpler time when men considered a scotch a better way to start your morning routine than slapping on a pair of spandex and running four miles only to end up at the same place they started.  Breakfast did not consist of a low-carb meal, chugging twelve ounces of pure, organic coconut juice out of a biodegradable bottle, and laboriously recording all the ultra-healthy food inhaled into a Weight Watchers notebook.

Take me back to an era when a rusty nail was an acceptable toothpick and spittoons lined the walls of every restaurant and bar.  Smoking was encouraged.  Society didn’t worry about dying from lung cancer, because there was a better chance that the runs would kill you long before the black lung did.

Going to bed was the simple action of collapsing on any flat surface that had a low probability of a subsequent bear attack.  There were no alarm clocks commanding when it was time to wake, and pajamas were something that wouldn’t be invented for a hundred years.  Night creams for wrinkles were something only Vanderbilt, Rockefeller, and Carnegie bothered with using.

Let me help you get back to that era with this guide on how to reduce complexity in your life by cutting down your morning routine to the essentials.  Dump your shower bag out on the counter and we will go through it item by item.

The Morning Routine Checklist

Deodorant- Matthew McConaughey doesn’t wear it, neither should you.

Showering-Showering only once a week is satisfactory; any more than that is just a waste of time.  Most people of the world bath in rivers and they smell good enough.  Remember, there is a cure for cholera.

Aftershave- If you’re afraid to light up a cigarette after applying, you’ve overdone it.

Hair Gel- Since you are not a founding member of Guns N’ Roses, your hair should sport a respectable high and tight haircut that doesn’t require industrial grade petroleum jelly to retain its shape.

Manscaping – Hey Mr. Miyagi, no trimming the bonsai tree.  Let your forest grow.

Shaving-Unless you’re a government worker, sport it like homeless guy, or at a minimum, like Joaquin Phoenix when he went crazy

Shower sandals- Since every other clean freak in the gym is wearing them, don’t worry about warts, MRSA, and other viruses that supposedly live in shower stalls.  You have indirect protection.  Barefoot it like a firewalker.

Luffa – If I need to google it to spell it correctly, you don’t need it.  The same goes for wash clothes.

Eye cream – I know a guy who had a $4,000 a year eye cream habit.  Don’t be that guy.

Toothpaste – When Congress passed the Safe Drinking Water Act in 1974, fluoride was injected into our public water.  Brushing your teeth became as essential as a trophy case at Wrigley Field.

Taking these simple steps to make your morning routine quicker and will ensure you get more dates, a better job, a nicer car, and a second home.  Next time you see a Bath and Body Works, keep walking.  Yeah, you’re welcome; your life just got better.

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Just Got Dumped? Here’s How to Avoid Being a Loser

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You had the perfect relationship.  It was you and your soulmate against the world.  One day things changed.  He dumped you.  You were blindsided.  You attempted to reconcile, but you knew it was final the day you saw the sign “Welcome to Dumpsville.  Population:  You” taped to your car window.  Yes, you were officially canned.  Keep reading to find out how you can recover from your failure and come back bigger and stronger like Tiger Woods after he was caught with his hand in a Perkins waitress.  Apparently, Swedish supermodels just can’t serve up two eggs over easy like the pros.

This is your world
This is your world

As much as you would like to say to yourself that it wasn’t your fault you got dumped, look at that facts:  You lost at the game of love.  Final score:  Your Ex-1, You -0.  That’s cool.  You don’t see A-Rod crying in his steroids because he was booted out of baseball.  He is elbow deep in hookers living in a multi-million dollar condo in NY.  Feel bad for him?  Didn’t think so.

How to respond to being dumped:

1) Stop being a pathetic, emotional basketcase.  No one wants to hear you whine about how your life is over, how you will never do better than your ex, how you didn’t see the break up coming, or how you invested so much time in the relationship.  That is loser talk.  From this point, you are to tell people the following when discussing your ex.

  • “He is a bum.  I only dated him because I felt sorry for him because he still thinks Pearl Jam will return to mainstream one day.”  Make it clear to everyone that you ran the relationship from start to finish.
  • “I dumped her.”  You are never to admit you were fired out of your relationship.  Winners fire people.  Losers get busted for drag racing rented Lamborghinis in Miami because they know their career is falling apart faster than Deutsche Mark in the Weimar Republic.  Everything that ends, always ends badly, so you might as well tell people you ended it on your terms.
  • “Yeah, we dated for ‘X’ years, but I was seeing other people on the side.”  You are a wild mustang tearing up the free range of the Wild West.  No one can hold you down.  Even if the two of you spent your weekends cuddled around a space heater watching your VHS of The Notebook until you wore out the tape, you don’t need to share that with anyone now.  Tell people that you are the Sal Paradise of your generation and respect will rain upon you.

2)  Maybe you got dumped because you let yourself get fat.  I’m not going to put it gently and say something like “you let yourself go”, “you are ‘X’ years older than when you met her”, or “everyone gets flabby when they are in a long-term relationship”.  Here at Skiinginjeans.com, we may self-promote, but we never beat around the bush.  Your BMI has skyrocketed, you are constantly sweating like that old naked guy who lives in the sauna at your gym, and you are carrying around the equivalent of a small toddler in the form of fat around your waist and butt.  Yeah, you got fat.

Hit the gym, start running, and get lean.  It is simple stuff.  Once you start dating again, you will quickly realize that no one really cares about your personality until you are far enough into a relationship to get dumped again.

3)  Start dating again.  This step is strictly optional.  Since you will get dumped again which will require another six month supply of Zoloft, a year of therapy sessions and thousands of hours of self-loathing, you might as well just accept your previous relationship as your last shot at a meaningful, exclusive relationship.

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Samples in the Grocery Store? Yes, Please!

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Who doesn’t like spending a lazy Saturday afternoon in a grocery store casually checking out the fresh fruit, smelling bread still warm from the oven, and perusing the processed cheese aisle in search of the perfect combination of sweet yellow dye #5, various hydrogenated oils, and dairy by-products?

As you wander the store, maybe you make eye contact with a girl who you swear you saw on Tinder the other day, but going over and saying “Hi.  I’m Jimmy.  Can you buy me a drink?” would just be too much work.  You decided you to stalk her online when you get home.  Later, at home, you tell yourself how you should have just gone over and talked to her when you saw her in person.  The lesson here:  Why do something today when you can procrastinate indefinitely?

Even with the Tinder disaster, the day is going well until you hit the sample aisle.  It’s like Russia before the Wall came down.  Chaos is the norm here; mothers trampled by their own children, screams of hunger fill the cavern, and shopping carts strategically stacked providing roadblocks for advancing samplers.  This field of weekend warriors makes the annual “rush the superstore near you on Thanskgiving for a $25-TV after waiting three days in freezing temperatures hence effectively valuing your time at $2.76/hour” riot look like a line of children receiving their First Communion.  Amid the craziness, you find solace in knowing that the Greek goddess Eris still haunts the souls of man.

At least these guys have a chance of escaping alive.
At least these guys have a chance of escaping alive.

Before you freak out and forgo your claim on free food, read this simple guide to understanding those who inhabit the sample aisle so you can understand their motives, beat out their weaknesses, and satisfying the base level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

The Looker:

This person silently stalks the serving table attempting to play coy, but strikes quickly when either a straight shot at the samples present themselves or the food service employee turns away from the display to tend to other duties.

How to strike first:  Due to The Looker’s attempt to slow-play the samples, do not hesitate to jut in front of The Looker and make the first move at your prize.  Your ability to act without fear or hesitation will give you the upper hand.

The Over-Sampler (AKA:  The Meal Maker): 

The Over-Sampler is the reason the food service employees assembles their product behind a bullet-proof shield before laying it out for the masses.  The Over-Sampler deftly drives in towards their objective taking as many samples as they can carry without remorse to their fellow man who may go hungry until the next tray is brought out.

How to strike first:  The Over-Sampler is one of the more difficult creatures to combat and you should not attempt to take these people head-on unless you are armed with a stack of 2 for 1 unexpired coupons which can be carpet bombed in front of them or a personal body odor problem.

The Hounder:

An Over-Sampler protégé, these soldiers are far less aggressive than their mentors in terms of following their directive and claiming their booty.  They tend to linger closely near the food service employee and use their body or shopping cart to block out their competitors.

How to strike first:  Unlike the disciplined Over-Sampler, the Hounder is much more sympathetic to the aged of society as well as mothers bearing children.  He will look at his peers as a direct challenge and is prone to outbursts inclusive of grunting, extreme salivating, and possibly even a death stare.  Proceed with caution, but do not hesitate to confront directly.  Often times, the threat of a showdown is enough to make The Hounder back away from the baked, breaded spinach and head towards samples are easier to acquire.

As long as grocery stores hand out free food, it is your duty as a store patron to eat what you can get your hands on.  Nothing says “full-course dinner” like a handful of hot dog weenies and crustless PB and J sandwiches fresh out of the package washed down with an orange flavored water served in a Dixie cup.  Get out there and justify your trip to the grocery store by eating your way through it.

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Leave the Scooters to the Kids

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Scooters became popular when Marty McFly tore one in half in Hill Valley in 1955 and turned it into a skateboard.  Soon after that day, a couple of bike mechanics at Dino’s Chain on Cherry Street attached a spare chainsaw engine to the scooter and the self-powered scooter was born.  The popularity of the scooter took off like Menudo after it picked up Ricky Martin in the 1980’s.  However, in a recent survey, nine out of ten inmates on death row would take a pack of Marlboro’s over a scooter.  Let’s take a moment to dissect the current evolutions of the scooter and try to answer the question:  What happened to the basic child scooter?

Vespas

“Taste great.  Less Filling.”  That pretty much sums up these road nightmares.  If you want the worst of both worlds, horsepower and style, head down to small engine shop and pick up one of these glorified ride-on lawnmowers.  Sure, you get to park in the fuel-efficient spaces at Whole Foods, but you forgo any chance of landing a date ever again.  Here’s a little known fact:  When Motley Crue was shooting the music video for “Girls Girls Girls”, the production assistant nervously approached the band and explained “Nikki, Vince, Tommy, and Mick, I’m sorry the rental store was out of Vespas, do you think these loud, overbearing Harley’s will work or should we wait for the scooters?”

Motley Crue and Vespas
What could have been.

Scooters at Disney World

Who wants to walk the park when you can glide through it on a scooter?  There are so many scooters driving around the place people walking on their own two feet stick out like a Harvard Business grad selling gently used socks on the exit ramp of an expressway.  Standing in the middle of Main Street, you feel like you are in the final lap of the Indy 500 except the racecars all have severally restricted speed governors.

Train commuters

After dragging a collapsible version of their kid’s scooter onto a packed train, these people cruise to work down the same crowded streets as angry bus drivers, over-worked cabbies and tourists circling the block looking for available street parking that doesn’t exist.  Nothing says “I have abandonment issues” like riding on a toy to your job as a corporate attorney while wearing a suit, tie, and helicopter beanie.  We get it; you’re saving time and money by cutting through rush hour downtown traffic on your kid’s weekend toy, but save yourself your last bit of dignity and walk or take a cab.

Gopeds/Sedgways/Mopeds/Other Scooters

“Go Small and Stay Less Than Mediocre.”  These are like the marathon runner who spent the last six months training only to quit 3.1 miles into the race and say “I’m good.  I’ll just settle for the 5k”.  Five year olds never wake up and say “when I grow up I want to be the fourth string left tackle for Tampa Bay Storm arena football team”.  Why would you want to settle for the Ryan Leaf of scooter world?  Man up and get a motorcycle that can exceed 35 mph at full throttle.

Conclusion

Don’t succumb to the world of fly boy glasses, scarves blowing in the wind and the Mary Poppins world of the mini-motorcycle.  You’re better than that.  You need to believe in yourself and you too can avoid the trap of the scooters.

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How to Escape the Suburbs on a Friday Night

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Models and Bottles How to Escape the Suburbs on a Friday Night
Go Get Some.

He carefully covers himself in the tools of the night:  The Patek Phillippe knock-off watch, 7 jeans-scored at Plato’s Closet with only a minor Kool-Aid stain, and Calvin Klein underwear-simple head nod to the O.G., Marky Mark.  Grabbing the EZ curl bar, he knocks out at least 35 reps, but never over 58; crossing the sweat point yields another hour-long shower and primp session.  Finally the shirt:  a vintage 1998 Girbaud bought at a Kmart Blue Light Special.  He is now ready to leave the suburbs and take on the city this Friday night.

While wearing gloves, the shirt is carefully removed from the dry cleaner bag slowly put on to avoid any unnatural wrinkles in the fabric.  He turns up Tiesto in his room and practices his approach with a mannequin.  The Point.  The Wink.  The Double Wink.  The Point-Double Wink (this one is still in the experimental phase).  If only that mannequin were a real woman like in that movie Mannequin Two:  On the Move, he could work the club circuit strictly as a spectator and not a true player.

He grabs the keys to the Subaru Outback off the counter as his mom yells something inaudible at him.  He drives out of the sub-division only leaving a baby seat on the floor of the garage as any proof that he was there.

With track housing behind him, his transformation into “Stinger” is complete.  Now he is free.

Enter The Thunderdome (good-bye suburbs)

The crowd is starting to build at the door, but Stinger pushes through to the staff and slips the guy a twenty.

Once seated, Stinger leans back in his seat and lights up a clove cigarette.  Several patrons give him a look of disgust, but he waves them off with a twist of his hand.  A waitress walks over to him.  He cuts her off before she can talk to him.

“Bottle of Grey Goose.  Soda, cranberry and a large bowl of cherries,” Stinger says as he sharply looks away to avoid any follow up questions.  The server rolls her eyes in agony as she backs away from the table.

The waitress returns with a middle age man.  He calmly speaks as Stinger looks on, “We do not offer bottle service.  This is Chili’s.  However, we have a fine selection of island drinks.  Would you like to start with an Awesome Blossom to go with a Presidente Margarita?”

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