Sorry you work at a cubical job. Despite playing the occasional game of laser tag and reminiscing about that one time made out with Kristy Cedarson in fifth grade, your overall life rating is hovering around a D-. Your failure as a human doesn’t mean you need to send your kid down the same path, but it is up to you to start them on the right track by naming your child correctly.
Here are some helpful tips on proper naming to set your child up for life success instead of living on skid row (NOT “in the band ‘Skid Row’”-which would be awesome):
1) Jedidiah, Christabel, Cillian: If you, as an educated adult, need to take a ‘Hooked on Phonics’ course to learn how to spell your newborn’s name, your kid will be repeating kindergarten until they are ten years old trying to pass the ‘spell your name’ test.
2) Bill, Ronald, John, and Barry: Stick to naming your boys after US Presidents. Barry–a US President? You bet he is. Before Barack Obama was balls deep in pension for life elected position, he went by “Barry”. You can read about it here.
3) Don’t go all ‘Coldplay’ and name your kid after a fruit. If you created a human life with Gwyneth Paltrow, go ahead and name your kid after a Yugoslavian auto part if you want. However, you knocked up your neighbor who supplements her disability check by selling prescription pills, so stick to the naming rules.
4) Take a hint from George Foreman. Naming kids is hard, and Foreman knew after years of punches to the cranium and burns by his own grill, he was incapable of such a momentous act. George Foreman named all his boys and one of his girls after President George Washington.
5) Crystal, Misty, Serenity, Destiny, Lexus, or any other bank teller name. Bank teller is the career path of the retired stripper, but tellers don’t get free tanning and cash tips. I’m sure you have some obtuse reasoning for these names, such as ‘Summer is my favorite season’ or ‘I always wanted to go to France, so I’ll name her Asia’, but when you’re old and pumped up with Viagra, you don’t want to avoid “$1 Dance Night” at the local strip shack because your daughter is working.
Just like that awful tramp stamp you got in college, this is a lifelong decision. Don’t screw up your kid’s life by taking a flyer on their name. Put down the Allen wrench that you are using to assemble the baby furniture and put some real thought into your child’s future.