Stupid Things People Say:
- “It is what it is.” This phrase adds zero value to every conversation other than sucking down oxygen that others may need to make a valid counterpoint. Apparently, even adults feel the need to earn participation awards just like children.
- “It’s always in the last place you look.” Yes, it is. You are not going to keep looking after you found whatever your senile mind misplaced. This saying was probably created by an old woman who lost things ad nauseam and need a rebuttal to all their friends and neighbors who say she should be put in a home.
- Not moving your car because you found a great parking spot-Following this logic, you will never move your car ever again. Just keep paying insurance, monthly payments, and other carry costs until you call Victory Auto Wreckers. Face facts here: You are living in a place that you can’t afford and are subleasing the parking to pay the gas bill.
- People who yell at drivers in other cars–the other guy can’t hear you and if he could he wouldn’t care.
- Honking in traffic-I’m not talking about honking to let the semi know that he is about to back into a three-year old. I’m ranting about the guy who is at a standstill in rush hour traffic blasting his horn. We all know traffic sucks, but we don’t need you to remind us that we are stuck in a traffic jam.
I clap after watching movies in a theater because it annoys and embarrasses my wife. That said, no one else should ever clap after watching a movie. Unless you are at the premier of a movie where the director, lead actor, and supporting cast are present, do not try to start a slow clap at an AMC 45 in the middle of Idaho. All you are doing is cheering for the high school kid who pressed ‘Play’ on the projector as well as delaying your own start in the post-movie race to the bathroom.
Self-Indulgent Go Fund Me’s
Yes, it sucks that you can’t afford to buy that three carat diamond ring for your fiancé or that your kid is not good enough to play on the house league lacrosse team and needs to “play up” on a travel league. Whatever you do, please do not start a Go Fund Me Page for your inconsequential shortcomings. There are many worth charitable causes that are tax-deductible and provide benefits for mankind rather than your egomaniacal motives.
Indecisive People- You know them. I know them. This is how a typical conversation goes (in this case a husband and wife):
Person Normal: “We’ve done the research. Are we ready to buy the new Ford Escape today?”
Person Indecisive: “I think we should wait.”
Person Normal: “Why?”
Person Indecisive: “Just to make sure.”
Person Normal: “Is Consumer Reports coming out with a new report on the Ford Escape? Is Ford going to have a better rebate next month? Does the Escape have some type of exploding transmission resulting in massive recalls and deaths to all that continue to drive the vehicle?”
Person Indecisive: “Oh no, none of that. I think we just wait.”
Person Normal: “For what then? We did the research, we just need to sign the papers, drive off in our new Escape, and smell the new car smell.”
Person Indecisive: “Why don’t we just wait and see?”
Person Normal: “So we just wait?”
Person Indecisive: “Yes. I’m glad we made this decision.”
- Pulling out your phone because someone else does.
- People who record video that is unnecessary to record.
- Fireworks shows-You’re really going to rewatch your 2014 July 4th firework show you recorded from your buddy Ron’s backyard? Spolier alert: They have fireworks every July 4th.
- Professional sports-If ESPN’s 37 cameras ever fail to capture Corey Seager’s throw to first base and they need your shaky iPhone 5 video for Sportscenter, the world has much bigger issues than calling on you to provide a 38th
- Anytime someone is in danger. It is not the time to try and get on TMZ as you watch a man die from getting crushed by a manure truck. Turn that camera into a phone and call 9-1-1.
- Using door knobs as a towel rack, bag holder, closet bar, or hat rack.
- Humming or singing indiscernible songs while doing mundane tasks—Your life is not a musical. You don’t need a live soundtrack playing while you do dull tasks like screwing in a light bulb or filling up a bike tire with air.