My wife and I have totally different versions of the ideal quarantine.
Me: “This wouldn’t be so bad without kids. The two of us with lots of wine and movies.”
My wife: “Oh I was thinking: Me, all alone, in silence, and lots of sleep.”
I would suck at Real World.
I’m trapped in my home with my best friend and three people I fathered and we are ready to kill each other. No way could I survive being confined in a house with fourteen strangers.
Before the virus I was a closet hoarder and didn’t know it.
As a guy who shops at Costco on a weekly basis, I was already warehousing food and supplies well before the virus hit, but I didn’t know I was a hoarder. Once the quarantine started, I realized we have enough food to carry us for at least three weeks before we dip into my 150 cans of sardines (which I bought the limit when they were on sale about two months ago).
People have way too much free time.
I now realize most of my time spent during the weekends before the lock down was busy work, and not really adding much to the overall betterment of my life. It was really an elaborate time suck masked as productivity. No one needs to go to Costco once a week.
Booze is a great crutch.
I went from drinking a bottle of wine a week before ’28 Days Later’ to two snifters of whisky a night.
We waste a lot of food.
Nothing says America like arranging leftovers in a Tupperware container for the next night’s dinner then throwing it out the following day, because you don’t have a taste for day-old meatloaf. Now we eat the leftovers, because martial law will be here any day and you need to conserve food like the rest of the world has done for years.
It takes a village (because your house is too small)
Our house is big enough for everyone in the family to have two rooms to themselves. Somehow we all end up in the same room yelling louder than the next person about who didn’t wash their hands.
There is a thing as too much news.
Two decades ago your only source of current events was the evening news. You only thought the world was ending once a day. Now I’m getting neck cramps as I re-read some internet article after doing the same google search, “Will coronavirus kill me?” multiple times a day.
All those things I said I would do if I could ever got the chance to be locked in my home are still not getting done.
Cleaning the garage, starting a book, and parting out a car for fun are going to have to wait for the next global shelter in place.
My kids really annoy me, but I probably annoy them more.
You know what I’m talking about.