Of all the issues facing our education system, hipsterdom is one of the most damaging. High school kids, from extremely affluent suburbs, have stopped showering and started listening to Phish to get in touch with their free spirit before jumping into daddy’s BMW 6 Series convertible. Unfortunately, for some kids being a hipster is phase many of them never out grow. If you’re one of those oversized, parasitic children, here is your maturation guide into an adult hipster.
Despite what clothes you wear, your laissez-faire approach to life, or your unshaven neckline, you are conforming to every beatnik, hippie or new wave kid that took the faux journey before you. Keep reading to learn how to become an authentic twenty-first century beatnik. It ain’t cheap to join a sub-average way of life, so if this is a little pricey for you maybe you should reconsider your dedication to becoming a hipster.
Fixed Gear Bike- $32,000
This transportation vehicle is must for any skinny-jean guy. To be a bona fide hipster bike, it must have a single gear with no brakes, no freewheel at the rear tire, and absolutely no reflectors.
Condo- $400,000 (possibly free-keep reading)
You can’t live your parent’s basement and expect to make it to the morning drum session in the subway by the time rush hour starts. You’ll have your job as a barista coffee fetcher for the benefits, but your true calling is one of the following: kitschy artist, independent record store clerk dealing in pre-1978 45’s from East Germany, or fifth year graduate student about to embark on your third, and eventual uncompleted, master’s thesis. If you go the education route, make sure you enroll in a private, enigmatic, and exorbitant school majoring in history, English, or psychology. If your parents are rich, it is cool if everyone knows that mommy and daddy and paying for your digs, leaving you a stress-free seventy-five years until you can focus on what you really want to do in life.
Attire- Varies, but it is expensive to look homeless.
The staples are a given: the black framed glasses (corrective lens optional), unshaven armpits, androgynous shirts, and purple Converse shoes. Where it gets tricky is the facial hair: If you have it, flaunt it like Wes Bentley in Wal-mart. If you don’t have it, transplant it. http://nypost.com/2014/02/25/hipster-wannabes-forking-over-thousands-for-facial-hair-transplants/
Jeans are a tough one; if you can fit into your girlfriend’s pants, don’t ask to borrow them or you may cross the line from pseudo eunuch to perpetual single guy who gives all his girlfriends eating disorders.
Music— Usually free, because, like this blog, there is no real demand for things done in poor taste.
The general attitude of “if no one else has heard of it, it must be great” applies here. If it plays on radio, or god forbid the band plays on SNL, dissociate from it immediately. Going to Idaho to watch a one-chord band play a cover of “Whip It” is worth bragging points in this category.
Books- Get a library card, so you can tell everyone “I use the library”.
Carry a copy of “On the Road” by Kerouac with you all the time. It doesn’t have the same mystic as “Catcher in the Rye”, but your image is different than that of the Salinger crowd. Even if you never read Jack’s credendum, toting the bible that started the movement will establish as you as a true hipster. Of course, we are talking about the paperback version—don’t even think about bringing the Kindle out of your bedroom at the risk of looking like a responsible citizen.
Every generation has its group of vagabonds. Unfortunately, you are now one of them.