French Baguettes and Hefty Bags

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“I am going to buy a $7,000 purse when we get home,” a companion of lithe, yet athletic, build declared.

Next to me was a pissing Cupid fountain. I was deep in the bowels of the Burgundy region of France. Cupid’s head was encased with a laurel wreath. My Old Navy cargo shorts clashed with the Perscio.

These people were always up for a good rebellion. Her husband gave compliance with silence.  I too was speechless.

What does a multi-thousand-dollar handbag accomplish what a generic cloth bag, or gasp, a doubled Hefty bag cannot do?

I try to subscribe to the idea of “if it costs more, it must be better,” but I am befuddled when it comes to purses.  A purse is designed to serve one primary function and a very minor secondary function.

  1. Carry your crap-this could really be any type of bag
  2. Make you look good while carrying your crap.  This is the secondary function of a handbag.  Decorate a bag in some combination of jewels, sequins, leather, tassels, chains, buckles, exotic leathers, designer’s logos, or pom poms and the primary function of a bag is unaffected.  It still carries all your crap.
Reasonable pricing, efficient, and talked about–everything you want in a purse

As for lugging all your crap, I have noticed the older the woman– the larger and more expensive the purse.  Here is a chart to show a woman’s age, her bag size, and common items found in the bag.

Age of Woman Average Bag Cost Bag Size Bag Material Common Items Found
4-10 Free to $5 Various, but small Pleather Candy, toy money, key to nowhere
11-22 $15-20 Wallet Cloth ID, cash, credit card
23-28 $25-300 Clutch Leather-Black or tan Same as above plus lipstick
29-35 $200-2,000 Able to carry a terrier Leather-Color other than black or tan Same as above plus book “This Is Why You’re Still Single”
36+ $1,500-$300,000 Too large for airplane overhead bin Calf, alligator, crocodile, or ostrich leather with palladium, titanium, or gold hardware–diamonds optional See c)
  • c) Same as above, less the book, plus 2-year old hard candy, 1-AAA battery (dead), receipt from 2015 Ringling Brothers concession stand-one pretzel and one Diet Coke, 8 types of mascara, seventeen pens-some actually work, pacifier-even though youngest child is now 14 years old, cell phone, $14.86 in change of currencies Yen, Euros, Baht, Pesos, decomissioned Rubles, Dong, cell phone declared “lost”, your ex-husband/boyfriend’s underwear, mystery cream with the label worn off, vibrator, expired car registration, a smaller purse which was eaten by this purse, broken whistle, flask of vodka, janitor size key ring, US Weekly magazine (Jennifer Aniston cover), and Band-Aids.

There is a direct correlation between your age and the size and cost of your handbag.  Maybe you carry more crap, so you spend more money on a bigger bag. Maybe you get a bigger bag so you can carry more crap.  This paradox is beyond the scope of this article and way too difficult for my small brain to attempt to unscramble. 

I Want To Be Somebody

I was at a party, but dial back visions of togas, random sex and mounds of drugs.  The woman of honor was turning 80 years old, so the party started after morning meds and ended well before Sundown Syndrome appeared.  I was talking with my brother-in-law who hawks high end watches for a living.  A guy walked in wearing an Audemars Piguet Royal Oak 41mm 15500ST (MSRP ~$35,000 USD).

“Who’s the guy with the Audemars Piguet Royal Oak 41mm 15500ST?” my bro-in-law asked.

These two immediately struck up a conversation about the pros and cons of wearing something so rare and exquisite the odds of a common man encountering one are less than being diagnosed with non-alcoholic fatty liver disease and immediately getting a successful organ transplant the following day. 

I can only imagine the people who notice ten thousand-dollar purses are the same people who sell ten thousand-dollar purses.

“I’d like to hit that so I can get a better look at her Hermes crocodile bag with palladium hardware”, said no guy in the history of the world.  Compare this to the internet billionaire who drops $1MM on a Ferrari to get the ladies to sleep with him, only to find they are all obsessed with the hippie who hasn’t showered in a week, lives out of a storage locker, and makes his living playing acoustic versions of pop songs at Pot Belly on his garage-sale-purchased 6-string guitar.

“But It Is an Investment…”

My wife was gifted a multi-generation old Gucci Handbag.  I often hear these designer purses described as “investments” or “good re-sale”.  After planning an all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic, I looked up Gucci purses on eBay.  With great haste, I canceled the Caribbean vacation and considered something more appropriate for my soon-to-be windfall:  a bunch of bananas or heavily used baseball glove from the mid-80’s on Craigslist. 

I thought of calling Louis Vuitton for comment, but the phone was on the other side of the room, and I have a general rule I don’t get off the couch after 8 pm-especially performing a tantric deep thought while constructing high level articles such as this.

I thought the time spent doing a comprehensive investigation of purse ideology would enable me to understand what drives women to buy large and/or expensive purses, but I am more confused than before I wrote this article.

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