My Next Big Project – – Uber Bang

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I run this slick blog with over 100 employees waiting to please their CEO, but if I were really a tech guru, I would have created a ride-share program combined with a dating service called Uber Bang.

This is a trillion dollar idea.
This is a trillion dollar idea.

The idea is simple:  You need a ride.  You are single.  You pull up Uber Bang on your phone.  Next thing you know, you have another notch in the bedpost and you arrive at your destination.  Safety, for the ride and the bang, is our number one concern.

Uber Bang understands that people don’t like to bang with people less attractive than themselves, so at Uber Bang we have a rating system that allows users to rate themselves on the standard 1-10 scale.  Our proprietary rating system takes a guy’s self-rating and lowers it by two ticks.  We raise a woman’s self-rank by three ticks.  The logic is simple.  Guys tend to have lower standards of the girls they will bang, and men also tend to overstate their attractiveness.  Let’s take a look at how this works in the real world:

Jared gets off his shift at Farm and Fleet and needs to get to the other side of town to meet up with his buddies to catch the fall Hokkaido Bank Curling Classic.  Meanwhile, in the middle of town, Rachel just dumped her loser, unemployed boyfriend and is looking to cleanse her palate with a random dude before meeting up with her parents at Ronakor Sushi, the hottest, new raw fish place in town.  Jared pulls up Uber Bang and rates himself a ‘9’ as well as typing in his destination at Yatty’s, a Canadian sports themed bar.  Rachel, feeling a bit depressed because she is approaching thirty and realizes that she may have to join a convent, dials in her attractiveness at a ‘4’ along her destination.

Uber Bang summons a driver as well as notifying Rachel and Jared that they have both a ride and a bang coming their way.  Harold, an available Uber Bang driver, checks the prophylactic supply as well as Tic Tac count before heading off to pick up Jared.

Jared is waiting on the corner when the bright orange Uber Bang van stops in front of him.  Harold looks over Jared to confirm that he is at least a ‘7’ before tossing him a smoking robe.  Rachel is anxious as she awaits the Uber Bang van.  She tosses her hair, checks her makeup, and gives herself a pep talk involving the need to get a new penis in her to flush out any memory of her ex.  As the Uber Bang van pulls up, Jared gives Rachel a wink.  She is somewhat repulsed by this overt attempt at romance, but realizing that dinner starts in twenty minutes, she jumps into the back of the van.  Since Rachel requested the Uber Bang Platnium Ride, Harold turns on the disco ball and puts some Barry White on the sound system.

Jared is grateful that Rachel doesn’t look like his sister and Rachel is happy that Jared looks like a poor-man’s Zac Efron.  Jared tries to make small talk with Rachel, but she is concerned about being late to dinner, so she mounts Jared while Harold navigates through the streets.

Rachel’s stop is first, so she jumps out of the van as Harold tosses her a smoke.  Jared raises his hand in a feeble attempt to say “bye” as Rachel ignores him.  Jared tries ordering the live-action souvenir picture to his phone for five bucks, but Rachel elects to pay up for the veto option and the photo is destroyed.

Uber Bang cares about its customers so it depends heavily on its review system.  Here is how those turned out:

Rachel’s reviews:

Jared:  4/5.  “When Jared started crying, it got a little weird, but we got through it.  Girls, be warned he wears tighty whities, but he’s got solid pelvic motion.  I hope he doesn’t think it is more than a one-off bang.  I don’t need another stalker.”

Harold 2/5.  “I understand that I’m banging in the back of a van doing 30 mph, but I don’t need the driver going all voyeuristic on me.”

Jared’s reviews:

Rachel:  5/5.  “This is the best first date ever!  She kept calling me Jamal instead of Jared but I was balls deep so I didn’t correct her.”

Harold:  4/5.  “The scented candles are a nice touch.  I feel like I’m stuck in limbo between an off-the-strip Vegas titty bar and Mexican all-inclusive in need of serious renovation.”

Harold’s reviews:

Jared: 5/5.  “Jared’s crying just wasn’t right.  That was a first”

Rachel:  5/5.  “Rachel claims she never used Uber Bang before, but all the girls say that.”

You think Uber Bang is just my dumb idea?  Think again hotshot.  It was endorsed by Urban Dictionary.  Check it out here:  http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Uber+Bang&utm_source=search-action

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