You think you have dated enough girls that you’re finally ready to settle down? Keep telling yourself that player. In reality, you discovered the one girl in the world who will put up with your poor oral hygiene, your asinine eye cream usage, and your lack of eye contact when in a deep conversation. You better lock her down before she learns that you were dumpster-diving for dinner only months prior to meeting her.
The key to any marriage is a good foundation—and that foundation is the ring. She is only going to flash it around the week of her engagement and maybe a couple of times on her wedding day. After that, no one cares. Like all big bang moments in life, this one is fleeting too. Read this guide and save some money on the most superfluous thing you will buy in your life.
Learning Jeweler Speak
Jewelers throw an alliterative assembly of terms at you to exhibit their purported expertise in diamonds. “Clarity”, “Cut”, “Color”, “Carat weight”, and “Certification”. As you walk out of the store, your bank account is thirty grand lighter and the rock falls through the hole in the pocket of your Venture clearance jeans. Nice move Farley.
Throw all that jeweler advice aside and just listen to my friend, Clyde (short for Clydesdale), “buy the biggest thing you can afford—she’ll love it.”
- There are inclusions that only a loupe can see? Who cares.
- The diamond is so yellow that people think it is a sapphire? Let them think that.
- The stone was cut by a guy at his first day of jewelry school? It is unique.
All those things are inconsequential.
All that matters is size. Clyde is right. Listen to Clyde.
Hit Up Your Friends
Half of all marriages end in divorce. That means there are an inordinate number of engagement rings thrown across the bedroom when the wife finds out that her husband blew the emergency fund at the OTB. Your cash will be welcomed to cover the divorce expense. By offering 15% of the wholesale cost, you will be paying more than what any jeweler would pay them. Your bride might make a comment her ring looks just like her recently separated friend, but your pocket book will thank you.
Diamonds truly are ‘Forever’.
Who Says You Need A Real Blood Diamond?
“I have one word for you: Moissanite.” A 2-carat real diamond will cost you $20,000; that is the price of a nice mobile home. The same size Moissanite stone will cost $600; that is the monthly car payment on your Porsche SUV parked outside of your nice mobile home. Since Moissanite is manmade, it doesn’t have inclusions, discolorations or other imperfections. Once again, man one-upped nature at a fraction of the cost.
Choose Your Fiancé’s Occupation Carefully
I always wanted to marry a machinist. They can’t wear rings at work, so the only way the can show their true devotion to you is with a tattoo. For $50, you can put your mark on your spouse in a way that no metal ring can. They can’t lose it. They don’t have to clean it. Insurance is not required. Who says “Love costs a thing”?
The Unhappy Ending
The advice in this column is all for naught. Sometime in between your 5th and 15th year of marriage, she will ask for an upgrade. It doesn’t matter how big the original ring is or how much it cost; it will need to be bigger. Please re-read this guide at that time.
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