Today’s Men: How They Can Grow A Pair

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Today’s man is not broken, just misguided.  Here are the problems and the solutions.

Fashion

When our dads’ got dressed for work, they would throw on a pair of Levi’s, roll a pack of cigs in their tattered T-shirt, and use a rock to comb their hair.  Today’s guys are getting their pants hemmed, eye brows plucked, and a gynecomastia to achieve that Brad Pitt/David Bowie lovechild look.  Now more women complain that they are the ones waiting for their husband while he applies his Grecian Formula followed by lint rolling his clothes for date night.  Since men are pushing the envelope of becoming a eunuch, they might as well fire up a collar roll http://oxfordclothbuttondown.com/2013/07/collar-roll/ and kill any chance of a reviving the masculine movement.

Tattoos

Tattoos used to be reserved for bikers to pay homage to their mother.  These All-American bad-asses shanked a guy or two and earned the right to go under the needle.  Now every kid under 30 has to ink up for every “challenge” they overcame–graduating from high school, getting dumped by an ugly person, or winning a fantasy soccer league.  Neil Armstrong doesn’t have a solar system stamped on his forehead.  Dr. George Papanicolau didn’t sleeve up his arm with cervices after inventing the pap smear.  This means you can’t ink a hamburger to your stomach, because you got food poisoning, along with the squirts, after a bad meal at White Castle.  The Aztecs tattooed everyone, but they also believed in human sacrifice.  I will start your Go Fund Me page for a hot tube time machine so you and your Wonder Woman tattoo can experienced how a real man lived—and died.

No One Respects Crappy Cars

When you put on your Gucci T-shirt, chino pants and boat shoes to head to Starbucks for your decaf vente latte orange twist in the morning, don’t forget your key fob for that environmentally sensitive, solar-panel-on-the-roof, Prius.  Think of the image you are sending to today’s boys.  Your dad didn’t raise you to be a punching bag to the world, so start acting like a man.

Get a muscle car with a bored out V8, aftermarket headers, and an open exhaust to let everyone know that you’re fine with ten miles to the gallon as long as you look cool doing it.  Put on some GNR or 2 Live Crew and head to the corner bar for a Budweiser with a Morgan back.  Congrats, you just had your breakfast.  Beethoven didn’t drive a Prius and he cranked out his Ninth Symphony after he was completely deaf.  Life is tough.  Get tougher.  Drive something that is way cooler than you.

Finding Love

Initiating a courtship has devolved to swiping right on your phone while simultaneously bookmarking Redtube videos to build up your spank bank.  Here’s a novel approach:  Leave your parents’ basement, approach a real girl and say “Hi, you have a nice smile, I’d like to take you out for a drink.  I’ll even go Dutch.”  Trust me.  It works, not every time, but enough to make it worth the failures.  Besides, it gives you an excuse to get out of your whack den and try to interact with someone other than your mom and dad.  When you find a girl to go out with, don’t talk about your Magic tournament, recite a text conversation with one of your other basement-dweller friends, or stare at her chest with undisguised focus.  Just ask her how her day went, maintain eye contact, and after two hours of her talking, say “I had a great time.”  As long as you keep your mouth shut, you may lose your virginity by the time you are thirty.

Final Thoughts

Becoming a real man is not an overnight transformation.  It will take years to undo all the damage you have done to yourself and mankind.  Next time you wake up, try to emulate one aspect of a vain-less, unmarked, Challenger driving, testosterone driven male and push the edge a little further to becoming a better man.

Special thanks to D.M. for this article suggestion.

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