Shave One Hour Off Your Morning Routine

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I wish I could go back to the simpler time when men considered a scotch a better way to start your morning routine than slapping on a pair of spandex and running four miles only to end up at the same place they started.  Breakfast did not consist of a low-carb meal, chugging twelve ounces of pure, organic coconut juice out of a biodegradable bottle, and laboriously recording all the ultra-healthy food inhaled into a Weight Watchers notebook.

Take me back to an era when a rusty nail was an acceptable toothpick and spittoons lined the walls of every restaurant and bar.  Smoking was encouraged.  Society didn’t worry about dying from lung cancer, because there was a better chance that the runs would kill you long before the black lung did.

Going to bed was the simple action of collapsing on any flat surface that had a low probability of a subsequent bear attack.  There were no alarm clocks commanding when it was time to wake, and pajamas were something that wouldn’t be invented for a hundred years.  Night creams for wrinkles were something only Vanderbilt, Rockefeller, and Carnegie bothered with using.

Let me help you get back to that era with this guide on how to reduce complexity in your life by cutting down your morning routine to the essentials.  Dump your shower bag out on the counter and we will go through it item by item.

The Morning Routine Checklist

Deodorant- Matthew McConaughey doesn’t wear it, neither should you.

Showering-Showering only once a week is satisfactory; any more than that is just a waste of time.  Most people of the world bath in rivers and they smell good enough.  Remember, there is a cure for cholera.

Aftershave- If you’re afraid to light up a cigarette after applying, you’ve overdone it.

Hair Gel- Since you are not a founding member of Guns N’ Roses, your hair should sport a respectable high and tight haircut that doesn’t require industrial grade petroleum jelly to retain its shape.

Manscaping – Hey Mr. Miyagi, no trimming the bonsai tree.  Let your forest grow.

Shaving-Unless you’re a government worker, sport it like homeless guy, or at a minimum, like Joaquin Phoenix when he went crazy

Shower sandals- Since every other clean freak in the gym is wearing them, don’t worry about warts, MRSA, and other viruses that supposedly live in shower stalls.  You have indirect protection.  Barefoot it like a firewalker.

Luffa – If I need to google it to spell it correctly, you don’t need it.  The same goes for wash clothes.

Eye cream – I know a guy who had a $4,000 a year eye cream habit.  Don’t be that guy.

Toothpaste – When Congress passed the Safe Drinking Water Act in 1974, fluoride was injected into our public water.  Brushing your teeth became as essential as a trophy case at Wrigley Field.

Taking these simple steps to make your morning routine quicker and will ensure you get more dates, a better job, a nicer car, and a second home.  Next time you see a Bath and Body Works, keep walking.  Yeah, you’re welcome; your life just got better.

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