High school is traumatizing. Since you’re going to be there for four years, you might as well run with the popular kids, get all the ladies and dominate your school.
Master these steps and become the Dylan McKay of this century:
- There will always be one dominate sport within your school’s athletic program. Find the captain of that team and cold cock him. That’s right lay him out like Sly vs the Russian in Rocky IV. Since high school runs on a primal hierarchy, by taking out the alpha male of the tribe, you will become the lead silverback without hours of practice or needless competitions in some school sponsored sport. Congrats, you just reached “lone-star, big dog, king of the mountain, ally ally oxen free” status of the jocks.
- Dating in high school is a hot bed of juiced up hormones coupled with a general lack of self-esteem. You should be hitting on the hottest girl in school. “But I don’t have a chance,” you say. Listen here pimply-faced young Jedi. Since your peers lack confidence, no one would ever consider asking out the hottest person in school. The real hot people are faced with what they consider rejection. They believe they are ugly and therefore willing to date someone like you. This is where you strike like Sammy Sosa’s corked bat. Play off these insecurities and land yourself an authentic ‘10’.
- Dating Part II: By dating a hot girl who doesn’t run with the popular crowd, you will elevate her social standing to “popular”. You will also give her a greater chance of dropping out of high school, landing a starring role on “I am a Teen Mom”, or enjoying high school so much that she becomes a guidance counselor preaching to every freshman, “these are the best four years of your life.”
- Everyone wants to turn 16 so they can drive all their friends home. You are not a chauffeur. If they need a ride, they can take the yellow limo. Pick up a two-wheel suicide machine. Chicks will dig you because their daddy will tell them, “You can’t ride on Billy’s crotch rocket. You also can’t ride on the back of his motorcycle.”
- Have a party. We’re not talking about three of your loser friends hanging out in the basement playing spin the bottle. Bring in a pro. Go a major university, not the local JUCO, and recruit a member of a fraternity that recently got booted off campus for partying. Give him five hundred bucks, a stack of Hawaiian shirts, and ten cases of Mad Dog. The next time your parents go away for a weekend, he will have the entire school at your house chanting, “[your name] is the greatest” while that jock you knocked out earlier in the semester is one of bearers of your palanquin.
- Compromise your integrity. Winning the title of prom king, pulling off the best senior prank, and dating three girls trilaterally is a feat only achievable by forgoing your true self. Transform into something you’re not and take down anyone who stands in your way. You’re trying to be Nada Surf Popular, and if that means means rigging the ballot box, throwing a buddy under the bus, or becoming a psychopath to make your lies flow smoothly, you will be head of the class.
If all of this advice fails you and you’re stuck in the role of average schmo, just transfer to new school and try again.
*Special thanks to Humphery Humberto for his contributions to this article.