You had the perfect relationship. It was you and your soulmate against the world. One day things changed. He dumped you. You were blindsided. You attempted to reconcile, but you knew it was final the day you saw the sign “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You” taped to your car window. Yes, you were officially canned. Keep reading to find out how you can recover from your failure and come back bigger and stronger like Tiger Woods after he was caught with his hand in a Perkins waitress. Apparently, Swedish supermodels just can’t serve up two eggs over easy like the pros.
As much as you would like to say to yourself that it wasn’t your fault you got dumped, look at that facts: You lost at the game of love. Final score: Your Ex-1, You -0. That’s cool. You don’t see A-Rod crying in his steroids because he was booted out of baseball. He is elbow deep in hookers living in a multi-million dollar condo in NY. Feel bad for him? Didn’t think so.
How to respond to being dumped:
1) Stop being a pathetic, emotional basketcase. No one wants to hear you whine about how your life is over, how you will never do better than your ex, how you didn’t see the break up coming, or how you invested so much time in the relationship. That is loser talk. From this point, you are to tell people the following when discussing your ex.
- “He is a bum. I only dated him because I felt sorry for him because he still thinks Pearl Jam will return to mainstream one day.” Make it clear to everyone that you ran the relationship from start to finish.
- “I dumped her.” You are never to admit you were fired out of your relationship. Winners fire people. Losers get busted for drag racing rented Lamborghinis in Miami because they know their career is falling apart faster than Deutsche Mark in the Weimar Republic. Everything that ends, always ends badly, so you might as well tell people you ended it on your terms.
- “Yeah, we dated for ‘X’ years, but I was seeing other people on the side.” You are a wild mustang tearing up the free range of the Wild West. No one can hold you down. Even if the two of you spent your weekends cuddled around a space heater watching your VHS of The Notebook until you wore out the tape, you don’t need to share that with anyone now. Tell people that you are the Sal Paradise of your generation and respect will rain upon you.
2) Maybe you got dumped because you let yourself get fat. I’m not going to put it gently and say something like “you let yourself go”, “you are ‘X’ years older than when you met her”, or “everyone gets flabby when they are in a long-term relationship”. Here at Skiinginjeans.com, we may self-promote, but we never beat around the bush. Your BMI has skyrocketed, you are constantly sweating like that old naked guy who lives in the sauna at your gym, and you are carrying around the equivalent of a small toddler in the form of fat around your waist and butt. Yeah, you got fat.
Hit the gym, start running, and get lean. It is simple stuff. Once you start dating again, you will quickly realize that no one really cares about your personality until you are far enough into a relationship to get dumped again.
3) Start dating again. This step is strictly optional. Since you will get dumped again which will require another six month supply of Zoloft, a year of therapy sessions and thousands of hours of self-loathing, you might as well just accept your previous relationship as your last shot at a meaningful, exclusive relationship.