Every four years we experience a frenzy on par with Super Bowl Sunday, but it runs for almost the entire year. I’m talking about the Presidential election. Wait, I’m blabbering about the Olympics. The people of the US and A react the same way to those running for office as they do for those kids heading down to Rio to bring home the Zika.
Everyone is an Expert
Joe Six-Pack is ignorant of the games—until they start. After that Olympic torch fires up, Joe is arguing Phillip Dutton’s chance of landing gold in dressage (horse dancing). He will explain why motor boating, the kind with a boat and a motor you sex fiend, should be reinstated as an Olympic sport. Joe knows Olympics. After the games end, Joe and his coworkers, who were arguing how Tongo shouldn’t have been slaughtered by South Korea in the first round of women’s archery, are back to yelling about how that 7th inning drop-third strike call in the Mets/Yankees game will ruin the sport of baseball.
When Joe isn’t fired up about gold medals, he is frantic about the next successor to the throne of the United States. He saw an interview with the author of the latest tell-all Kennedy book on Fox News, and he is ready to share all the knowledge he gained in that three-minute piece with you over the next six months. Joe knows his rights. There is no way “They” are going take away his great-great-grandfather’s punt gun, and he is prepared to talk your ear off even though you agree with him. Catch Joe in an off-year and will tell you ‘Rowe versus Wade’ is a new video game for PS5 and his denial into the Electoral College is the reason he is working the closing shift at Maud’s Bar on the weekdays.
Joe is a transitory guy.
Get Fired Up
There is nothing like events outside the scope of our own daily lives to instill fear and passion within the human mind. Just because the Ukraine missed medaling by .8523 points in women’s duet synchronized swimming, doesn’t mean that you need to alter your routine of a Swanson TV dinner followed by a three hour episode of the ‘The Bachelor’ by watching the post-post-interview with Anna Voloshyna complete with subtitles instead. When Trump starts telling everyone that he is going to build a wall covered in ectoplasma so that illegals can’t enter our country, make sure you write comment 4,285 that Yahoo! article instead spending time with your daughter on her school art project. Consider your first amendment rights exercised.
Don’t forget to tie in your personal life with those presidential candidates and Olympic stars. They do their best to relate to the everyman, so you should do your best to mimic their lives.
- “I own a house, so I’m a real estate mogul—just like Trump”
- “Just think of the job offers this girl is going to get after she wins the silver in trampoline. Kind of like me after I get promoted the lead tire guy at Jiffy Lube.”
- “Who hasn’t deleted multiple public email accounts containing top-secret, highly classified information?”
- “I signed up for a gym membership last week, so I could have filled in for Phelps if he was injured. I’m just saying.”
“It Just Doesn’t Matter”~ Bill Murray in Meatballs
Here is the greatest motivational speech in movie history, watch it now:
Everyone is looking for the “Miracle on Ice” moment but instead we have Dream Team 16 eviscerating five guys who were working in a smelt factory in China the week before getting assigned to the national basketball team. Which team really has greater fear of losing? The prize: A lifetime of public humiliation or execution in the town square.
Eight years ago when Obama was elected, every citizen was going to get a free cell phone and never have to work again. My cell phone was shut off because of “lack of payment”, so I guess that didn’t pan out as planned. Maybe I’ll have better luck getting free stuff with one of the two clowns running for office now.
No matter the outcome of the Olympics or the election, we are doomed. If socialism or a dictatorship doesn’t bring us down, Ryan Lochte’s crime syndicate will.